I had said something awhile back on twitter about things getting really personal because of catharsis – and I’m also just kind of at that point where I don’t give a shit anymore. I no longer have someone else telling me I need to hide the dark parts of me, so here I am, getting personal on my blog:
I made a tweet about something unrelated, but it triggered a rabbit hole thought spiral, which made me realize that I have a pretty serious fear of commitment.
This blog is it’s own LOUD example. I mean, it doesn’t help that the story I had been posting on here was heavily motivated by a relationship I ended – the relationship was more of a distraction than anything but here we are. I have this habit of allowing temporary people influence my stories because of how intensely the friendship or relationship is at the time.
It also doesn’t make matters easier when I’m such an emotional thinker. I started flirting with a person who is legitimately a good person to the core regardless of what he thinks (but maybe I’m romanticizing him because of that emotional thinking). But I did what I do and let overthinking convince me that I was taking the words we exchanged too seriously and it wasn’t reciprocated because how could it be? It’s me and it’s someone out of my league. There was no way. So there went that.
My kids and my job are the only constants in my life. I’m grateful for both, but if I’m not doing something more, even just making time for my writing, then is there really any point? Like, what am I even doing?
I know that this basically had zero structure to it, but I needed to explain my garbage of a human existence for anyone who was expecting more from me. This is pretty much as good as it gets.
Raine August 